


Swords and crowns and promises

by everythingremainsconnected



Series: Adventures in Fairytale Wendimoor [1]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Flower Crowns, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, inspired by a lovely tumblr anon and THAT PICTURE from the BBCA website, watery nymphs lying about in ponds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-07 23:29:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12242739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingremainsconnected/pseuds/everythingremainsconnected
Summary: On the run (still) the Rowdies are in need of a bath and an obliging pond holds a few surprises. What better way to recover from the shock of cleanliness than a few flower crowns?





	Swords and crowns and promises

Amanda slid out of the van and looked at it with a sigh. It was way too pristine, too clean to really be theirs, but the real van was still MIA. How this van managed to operate in whatever bullshit magic land they were in was a mystery Amanda didn’t ever want to solve. That van just needed to keep working. They’d been driving for days through the forest, or woods, or whatever collective noun a shitload of trees required, that seemed to go on forever.

Stretching out her back and neck Amanda winced at the accompanying crackling of her joints. Around her an assortment of distinctly smudged psychic vampire punks assembled with unusual quiet. Amanda glanced over them and smiled; they were weary and filthy and those goddamn straightjackets were like knives in her eyeballs but the boys were _there_. Briefly. 

Vogel spied something and chased it, bolting off into the trees. Even months on the run couldn’t dampen his spirit and he laughed as he bounded off. 

“You shoulda called him Tigger.” Amanda observed. She stumbled into Gripps who immediately pulled her in close for a hug. 

“He’s a bird,” Gripps said, “flies like a little bird.” 

Amanda closed her eyes and drew warmth from the embrace. Cross joined in on the cuddle and had both Gripps and Amanda easily wrapped in his long arms. 

Amanda pulled away and tried not to cough. “You boys need a shower. Is there any water around here? Wherever here is?” She looked around and saw trees, trees, shrubs, and a few more trees. The sensation of those trees pressing in against her was getting tiring. Wind rustled leaves and everything smelled damp. 

Martin offered a grunt before heading off in the direction Vogel had disappeared in. 

“C’mon, Manda,” Cross pulled her along, “follow the leader, follow the leader, ring around a raspberry bush.” 

Martin didn’t wait and quickly disappeared amongst the trees. 

Amanda looked at where Martin had been. Her heart hurt. They were more… flat than she remembered. Martin had done nothing but growl and grunt and even now Gripps and Cross merely trudged along through the trees. The fire in them - the life in them - was almost gone. 

“None of your shenanigans!” Cross announced. He stopped and took Amanda’s hands in his. 

Gripps put a hand on her shoulder. “If you don’t want it, we’ll take it.” 

“Don’t.” Amanda pulled away. “It’s mine. I deserve it. It was my fault I didn’t get to you faster.” 

Cross shook his head as anger rolled over him. “No no no no _no!_ ” He ran off. 

“C’mon!” Gripps held Amanda’s hand and they chased after the others. 

Branches snapped and leaves fell as they ran, following the trail deeper into the wood. Amanda stumbled over roots and stumps but Gripps never let her fall. Air burned her throat and lungs and right when her stomach started to lurch - they stopped. Screeching to a halt at a sudden break in the trees, Amanda tried to gasp but there just wasn’t enough air. 

Finally there was a break in the trees. A clearing stretched before her, the flower-strewn meadow going on for miles, with a sickeningly picturesque little waterfall and stream emerging from the wood and flowing off into the grasses. Vogel was practically rolling through the flowers, glorying in the life of it all. Cross paced near the falls and mumbled constantly to himself while Martin just stood on the stream’s edge. 

At that sight, Amanda’s eyes widened. Old Martin would have held Cross close until the rage passed, or given over a favourite weapon and pointed him at something breakable. Martin just watching his brother hurt? Impossible. 

Amanda put her fingers in her mouth and whistled sharply. “Boys!” 

Vogel extracted himself from the plains and ran to her, slamming into her. Grass stalks and flower petals were stuck in his floppy hair and Amanda smiled. 

“Get him!” Amanda aimed Vogel at muttering Cross and pushed. With a yell Vogel launched himself at Cross, forcing the pair of them to tumble to the dusty ground and wrestle it out. Gripps laughed and joined them, swapping his apparent allegiance every few seconds, getting huge roars out of the others every time. 

By the time Amanda turned her attention back to Martin, he’d stripped out of his straightjacket suit and boots and was down to a pair of cotton shorts. He slipped off the red-lensed goggles and threw them behind him and waded into the pool beneath the falls. 

“No! Wait!” Amanda screamed and ran to the water’s edge. “Get out! Nothing here is what it seems and I only just got you back! _Get out!_ ” 

“Manda, it’s ok-” Gripps tried. 

“No it’s not!” Amanda’s stomach sank as she looked at the water’s surface. Something beneath the water looked back. “ _Martin!_ ” Amanda leapt into the pool, desperately trying to get to him. Things fluttered around her legs in the almost waist-deep water and Martin didn’t hear her. The water turned thick and oily and Amanda could barely move but she didn’t stop trying. 

Martin stopped right under the waterfall and closed his eyes as the font splashed over his face. Something rose out of the water before him and in her surprise, Amanda tripped. The water ceased resisting her the moment she fell and her hands and knees slammed into the rocky pond bed. Scrabbling to get back up, Amanda’s fingers closed around something smooth and hard, like a tire iron, and she surged up to her feet with the weapon in hand, a feral howl tearing from her throat. 

Between Amanda and Martin was something almost humanoid. It definitely had eyes but it was entirely made of water. Amanda didn’t care - she’d kill the thing with the tire iron clutched in her hands. Glancing at the weapon to get a measure of its size, Amanda’s war cry faltered. 

The tire iron was actually a short sword. 

All the better to stab watery bad guys with. Amanda held it tightly. 

“Keep it,” the water-thing whispered in a voice of bubbles and tides, “it likes you. Keep them too.” A limb, possibly a tentacle, waved around them. “They’re dear souls at heart, even when their hearts are dark. Keep them well. And do come and visit from time to time. I haven’t laughed in so long.” That same appendage gave a little wave and the water thing disappeared back into the pond. 

Amanda stared. At Martin, who almost had something like life in his eyes again. At the sword in her hands. At the very quiet Rowdy boys. “What. The. Fuck.” 

“It likes us.” Gripps shrugged. 

“What the fuck.” 

“It helped us last time.” Cross tried. 

“Just to be clear.” Amanda looked at the sword. _Her_ sword. “ _What the fuck._ ” 

“Nothing here is what it seems.” Martin said quietly. The ridiculous points of his hair had been washed out by the waterfall and he pushed the damp mess away from his eyes. Without offering further commentary he waded by Amanda, climbed out of the pond, found a flat rock to sit on and proceeded to stare out across the meadow. It clearly signified some kind of free-for-all; Cross, Gripps and Vogel all stripped down to their various underwear options and splashed in the pond, throwing pebbles and pretending to drown one another. 

Amanda scrambled out of the pool and stood on the muddied edge. The water looked harmless now, like any other pond or stream Amanda had ever seen. It was almost as if nothing had ever happened but the sword in her hand begged to differ. Amanda left them to it. She couldn’t shake the oily feeling from her skin and wished she had a bubble bath and soap and _bubbles_ and more soap and maybe a loofah just for good measure. 

Setting her sword down ( _what the fuck_ ) Amanda peeled off wet boots and socks and left them to dry before strolling through the obnoxiously gorgeous field. Dirt clung to her feet and got between her toes. Amanda relished it, pretending she was just walking in some dunes somewhere far away from the strangeness of this place. Who got swords from watery nymphs lying around in ponds? _Oh Jesus_. Honestly it didn’t quite rate as the weirdest thing from the last few days, and at least she got a new weapon out of it. 

Tall and impossibly bright flowers bloomed positively everywhere. It was like some kid had gotten high on texta fumes and then filled their colouring book with a clashing neon explosion. An idea sizzled across her mind and Amanda picked a few, trying for some slightly tamer colours, and keeping an eye out for long stems. With a good variety in hand she headed back to her boys and sat on the rock beside Martin. 

A minute later Vogel was beside her. “Whatcha doin’?” 

“Making some crowns.” 

“Out of flowers?” 

“They’re the best kind.” Amanda smiled. “I used to make them all the time when I was a kid. Can’t be Queen of the Castle if you don’t have a crown.” 

“You’re Queen of the Castle!” Cross announced. 

“And we’re the dirty rascals.” Gripps laughed and that set Vogel off on his next adventure, running around and crowing about rascals. 

Amanda nodded her agreement and kept twisting and tying and piercing stems to weave them into circlets. “Vogel! C’mere. I gotta crown my court.” A ring of soft blue somethings was delicately placed on Vogel’s head. 

With a reverential smile, Vogel very seriously kissed Amanda’s cheek. He carefully paraded around for the others and almost constantly had his eyes looking up at his own forehead to make sure the crown was still there. 

Amanda swiftly finished two more crowns, one in greens for Gripps and purples for Cross. They were almost as precious as Vogel and watching the three of them pretend to be snooty royalty was beautiful. The fact that they were all still dressed in dripping wet underwear was the icing on the cake and Amanda laughed. 

The next crown was made of yellow flowers with leafy accents. Amanda nudged Martin’s bare leg with the foliage. “It’s yours, if you want it.” 

“Ain’t my colour.” 

“Ungrateful.” Amanda leaned over and put it on him anyway. “You’re welcome.” 

Martin looked at her properly for the first time in days. He paused. Something behind his eyes flickered and he took a deep breath. “Thank you.” 

“Everyone loves flower crowns.” 

“Thank you for savin’ us.” Deep down Martin’s fear stirred. _I never thought you’d come for me._

“Hey.” Amanda frowned slightly. She was more astute now then when she’d first joined them and almost heard his misery. “I will always find you and I will always come for you. You’re mine, you hot mess, and I’m not about to let you go.” 

“You tried to fight the water spirit.” 

Amanda smirked. “No puddle is gonna get between me and my boys. Not possible.” 

Martin grunted but there was the hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth. He ran a careful finger along the edge of his flower crown. “Words mean things here.” 

“Like they don’t anywhere else?” 

“No.” Martin looked out at the fields again. “Not like here. Swords and crowns and promises mean somethin’.” 

“Oh yeah?” Amanda started on her own crown, using rich red blossoms and dark green fern-looking fronds. “Something like, you’re mine and I protect what’s mine with every weapon I can get my hands on?” 

“Somethin’ like.” 

“Maybe I should steal you a dictionary sometime. Expand that vocabulary of yours.” 

Martin laughed properly and Amanda could have exploded with happiness at the sound. “Swords and crowns and promises are binding.” 

Amanda finished her crown and rested it atop her messy hair. She gave Martin a skeptical look and waited for more words to happen. 

“Be careful how close you wanna get tied to this. Us. Make those kinds of bonds here and they won’t be undone.” 

“Why the hell would I want them undone? We’re family. Aren’t we?” 

Martin looked into Amanda’s eyes and couldn’t keep the naked fear from his face. “We’re gonna be hunted down every day for the rest of our lives by all kinds of fucked up folks who want to torture and kill us. There ain’t no home, no rest, no place for us. We got nothin’ to give you and this is gonna take everythin’ from us all someday. I can’t keep you safe.” 

“I think you’re forgetting who exactly is Queen of this Castle,” Amanda adjusted her crown loftily, “it’s _my_ job to protect _you_. I don’t give a shit about a home or a place. We’re it.” She glanced at the others who watched on with rapt attention. “ _We are_ home and I never want to be away from you again.” 

“But-” 

“You talk too much.” Amanda cut Martin off. She leaned into him and planted a kiss on his startled mouth. “Accept that there’s five of us and get on with it. We’ve still got one holistic detective to save.”

**Author's Note:**

> Wonderfully inspired by a lovely anon and of course that ridiculously amazing character profile pic on BBCA. Typically, this got away from me, and I may have accidentally implied that Amanda's going to be a literal Queen at some point. I'm on Tumblr, [come say hi :)](https://everythingremainsconnected.tumblr.com/)


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